she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
