Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
