I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
But theres a keg here and me gusta
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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