you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
