where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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