You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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