Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
she told me i tasted like america
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
