I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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