____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize