If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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