i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Randomize
