I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
