Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
