I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
