at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I would fuck him just for his dog
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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