sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
