His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
