you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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