It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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