i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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