May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
