Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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