Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
