I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I stole a fireplace last night.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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