don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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