i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
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And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
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I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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