just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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