You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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