Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Randomize
