why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
What a dumb baby whore.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
