So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Randomize
