im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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