New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
