Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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