i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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