My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
