oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
