My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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