I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
