If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
