its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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