He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
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So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
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I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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