I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
and eventually we just all took our pants off
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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