In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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