Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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