Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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