Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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