We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
