sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
NoShamevember. You game?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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