So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
