You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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