I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
