We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
