He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
