if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
