how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
