Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
